Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?