What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.
Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.
I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(Andrew Jefferson)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.