I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.

What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.

Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?

Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.

Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.

A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm

(Jan Allison)

It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.

There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.

In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.

There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’

What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.

I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.

Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.

There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.

Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.

Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.

“Father”

My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.

– Edgar Albert Guest

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.

My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.

- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!

You know what they say? Words.

My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"

I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.