A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!
Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!
...
People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!
(Charles E. Carryl)
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.