There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.
If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.
If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.
If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.
All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.
(By Beryl L Edmonds)
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.