As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.