My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.