Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.