Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.
Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.
I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(By Andrew Jefferson)
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.