There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.

A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.

It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*

I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.

It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.

There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.

What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?

A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.

How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!

I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.

It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.

"The Porcupine"

Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.

– Ogden Nash

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.

I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.

At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."

The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.

Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move

When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.

A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.

Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"

I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.

Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.

It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.

What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light