What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
"If I Were In Charge Of The World"
If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.
If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.
If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.
If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.
– Judith Viorst
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.