There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.