How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.