My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.
You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer
You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.
But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.
I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition