"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
You know what they say? Words.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
I think, therefore I’m single.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.