Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans

What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.

Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.

You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.

You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.

I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.

(Kenneth J. Miller)

C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm

(Anonymous)

Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."

"Simple Truths About Family"

Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.

Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.

Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.

Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.

Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.

– Kelly Roper

What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.

It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!

What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.

It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.

"Whenever I See"

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.

If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?

A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.

What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.

I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.

There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.

Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.

I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!

We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?

Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.

Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers!

What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'

It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!

Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!

There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"

- Gail DeBole

What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.