Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"
Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.
The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.
Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!
Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.
My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.
Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."
– Graham Craven
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.