How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.