A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.