An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.

In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.

"Month of May"

For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.

For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.

Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.

How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.

It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead

But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band

So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear

When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour

As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy

So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy

- Paul Curtis

My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.

Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.

It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.

Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?

There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.

Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.

A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.

My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"

It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.

"Joker Grandpa"

Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.

At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.

Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.

What did the turkey say before he was roasted?

“OK, spare me no insults!"

What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"

There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'

What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.

A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.

It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.