Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
"Messy Room"
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
– Shel Silverstein
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.