How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
You know what they say? Words.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
"If I Were In Charge Of The World"
If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.
If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.
If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.
If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.
– Judith Viorst
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!