You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
"Messy Room"
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
– Shel Silverstein
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.