You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.
I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.
John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.
Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!
This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.
(By Abimbola T. Alabi)
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.