How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.