There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."
The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."
"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."
"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."
She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."
"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.