What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"
So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."
So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"
So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.