What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.