Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
Knock knock.
Come in.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.