Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.
I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.
“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.
And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!
Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.
I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!
(Ilene Bauer)
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."