Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
I think, therefore I’m single.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry