My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.