Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.