There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"
Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.
The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.
Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!
Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.
My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.
Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."
– Graham Craven
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.