Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!