Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
I think, therefore I’m single.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.
You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer
You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.
But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.
I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
"Messy Room"
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
– Shel Silverstein
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.