Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?