Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."
The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."
"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."
"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."
She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."
"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic