A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.
Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.
I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(By Andrew Jefferson)
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.
You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer
You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.
But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.
I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.