Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup
Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north
Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon
Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book
Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg
(Mike Gentile)
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."