Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
"A Parent’s Prayer"
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,
Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
– David Axton
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.
His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.
As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.
For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.
- Max Scratchman
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.