If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
You know what they say? Words.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Knock knock.
Come in.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
He who laughs last thinks slowest.