What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.