Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.

Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”

What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"

And optimist says "sure they can!"

I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.

There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.

"Halfway Down"

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.

Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!

– A. A. Milne

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.

Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.

It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?

Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.

"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"

The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.

I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.

There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.

It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]

“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert

All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!

"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"

When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.

No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.

We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.

She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.

– Kenn Nesbitt

I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.

If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back

There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.

How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.

Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.

I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.

Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"

Little Johnny: "Big hands!"

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”