What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.