A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.

"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'

There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.

If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.

Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.

My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.

Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.

(Ogden Nash)

How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.

Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.

What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.

Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.

People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.

It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.

Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)

Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.

Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”

What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"

And optimist says "sure they can!"

I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.

There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.

"Halfway Down"

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.

Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!

– A. A. Milne

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.

Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.

It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?

Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.