If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”