Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”