Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."