Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed
In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn
He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate
In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved
As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided
What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score
Now one hundred and forty-nine years
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.