My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
"Sweet Treat Dream"
If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.
We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.
Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.
Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.
But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!
– Gillian M. Ward
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.