Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
You know what they say? Words.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."