How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)