How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.