A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
"Five Little Acorns"
Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”
The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.
– Debbie Hill
"The Silliest Teacher in School"
Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.
We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.
The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.
“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”
– Darren Sardelli
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.