There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.