Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light