What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.
Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.
I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(By Andrew Jefferson)
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.