A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:
Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod
Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!
'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!
It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!
Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.