There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!
The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.
It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.
The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.
My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.
The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.
A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.
(by Annabel Sheila)
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.