What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.