A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."