There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)