Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.