Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.