It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.
But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.
Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.
- by Samiya Vallee
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell