Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.