I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.
You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer
You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.
But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.
I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.