What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.