How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.
I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.
“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.
And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!
Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.
I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!
(Ilene Bauer)
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.