I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."