Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.
Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.
I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(By Andrew Jefferson)
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”