You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.