"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
(Amos Russel Wells)
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.
His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.
As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.
For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.
- Max Scratchman
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."