Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)