What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”