Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.