There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.
The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!
Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.
As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.
So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.
But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!
- Denise Rodgers
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.