There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.