There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.