My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.
She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.
She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.
Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.
So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.
This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.
So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.
But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!
You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.
(Aaron M. Delao)
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.