The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."
The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."
"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."
"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."
She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."
"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi