Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they

A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"

It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)

What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.

When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?

At Pranksgiving.

What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!

Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.

What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins

If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.

It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."

An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.

Happy birthday!

(Kevin Nishmas)

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!

I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.

(Barry Stebbings)

There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.

Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.

You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty

You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit

You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger

Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.

Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.

Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.

Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.

(Shel Silverstein)

A Poem by a Cat

I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.

There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light

"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."

There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president

Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.

Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.

Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"

Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.

A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.

What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.

How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”

Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.