What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.