I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”