It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli