What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.