Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

Dear Dog

You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose

What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.

Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.

Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.

I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper

There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.

Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!

(Abby Jenkins)

Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.

I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.

There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.

You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.

A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."

What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"

And optimist says "sure they can!"

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.

How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.

Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.

You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.

How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.

You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.

Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.

(Kevin Nishmas)

R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.

What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.

My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.

It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.

My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.