What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
"The Theoretic Turtle"
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
– Amos R. Wells
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.