It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

"My Handprints"

My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

"Have You Ever Seen"

Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?

Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?

Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?

There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.

For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail

Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’

Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)

I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.

Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.

"Standing on a Chair"

I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!

You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.

I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.

I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!

– Steve Hanson

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.

The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!

Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.

How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.

Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.

The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"

I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.

There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.

Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!

There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.

What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.

I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.

A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.

Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.

A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."

You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe

(Anonymous)

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”

What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.

What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.

Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!

Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.

It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.