Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”

How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.

It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.

You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.

What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?

Turkey in suspense.

My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.

Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.

Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.

Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.

Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted

It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."

If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.

Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.

Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.

It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.

Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.

Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.

Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.

“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"

Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.

It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.

It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.

When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.

R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.

It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.