How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.

Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.

Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you

(Anonymous)

So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.

Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?

It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.

There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.

Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?

Answer: Peach gobbler!

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.

Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?

(Justin Worthy)

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!

Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.

They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.

Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.

He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .

That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.

- Diane Lefebvre

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail

What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.

I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?

Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!

- Denise Rodgers

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.

There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!

There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.

What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins

It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.

Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.

"Who’s In?"

“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”

– Elizabeth Fleming

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”

There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.

(Ogden Nash)

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.

It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.

The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."

There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.

Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.

There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.