The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.
The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!
Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.
As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.
So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.
But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!
- Denise Rodgers
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.