What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.