There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers