This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?