Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.