Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup
Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north
Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon
Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book
Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg
(Mike Gentile)
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.