SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.