How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.