I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!

Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]

There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'

A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”

My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.

I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!

There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.

It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.

If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”

A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.

I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.

The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.

What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.

It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!

It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.

Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.

Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?

When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.

Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.

Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.

What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"

You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.

If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”