When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"
Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.
Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!
Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!
I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!
– Kelly Roper
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.