Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.
His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.
As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.
For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.
- Max Scratchman
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.