My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.

There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'

Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.

- Natasha Niemi

An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.

If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.

It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.

It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?

Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.

The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.

At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

The turkey shot out of the oven

and rocketed into the air,

it knocked every plate off the table

and partly demolished a chair.

- Jack Prelutsky

C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"

Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.

She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.

One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.

So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.

There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973

It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.

Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

“Father”

My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.

– Edgar Albert Guest

Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.

Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you

(Anonymous)

There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.

There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.

When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?

At Pranksgiving.

"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"

There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.

– Michael Wise

It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.

There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.