For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.