When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
I think, therefore I’m single.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.
I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.
John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.
Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!
This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.
(By Abimbola T. Alabi)
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"