If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."