What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
"I Hate Peanut Butter"
These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!
– Innarenko
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.