“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.