I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled

- Paul Curtis

What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?

Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.

"Sweet Tooth Andy"

Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.

– Denise Rodgers

Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.


(Kevin Nishmas)

What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.

"My Eyes"

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.

Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."

What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?

Have it killed and then cran-bury it.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!

There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.

If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.

If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.

It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.

Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.

Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?

I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play

There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.