Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.