If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.

There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?

Have it killed and then cran-bury it.

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"

How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.

What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.

It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.

Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.

"Grandparent Rap"

It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."

So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!

Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.

Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.

It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.

It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!

There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.

The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!

(Unknown)

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.

Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.

There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.

I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."

Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.

How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."

"And that?"

"Kitchen gun."

Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!

(Samatha C. Ringle)

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing

There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22

Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.

Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.

A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.

You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.

You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.

I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.

(Kenneth J. Miller)

A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.

If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...