A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”