"My Eyes"

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.

What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.

If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.

I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."

Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”

It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!

They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.

When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.

They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.

(Jessica Miles)

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.

You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.

You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.

I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.

(Kenneth J. Miller)

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

"Fun Grandpa"

My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.

Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.

A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.

It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.

"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"

Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.

She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.

One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.

So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.

How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.

Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.

Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!

How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.

It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.

Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!

There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.

What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.

What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?

You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.

It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.

There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.

Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.

There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.

Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!

Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!

It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!

Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!

"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.

(Kim Merryman)

It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”

That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.