Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.