Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"