A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
(Amos Russel Wells)
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
You know what they say? Words.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!