Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.
Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.
I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(Andrew Jefferson)
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.