Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.

Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”

It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)

Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

A physics teacher writes a question on a board:

"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"

A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:

"In a foster home."

What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?

Turkey in suspense.

Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.

There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.

A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.

Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.

When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.

It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.

Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!

Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.

What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.

What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.

If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.

Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.

Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow

A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.

My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.

Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.