What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."