When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans