What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.

Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!

- Sarah Ziman

What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.

My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.

Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.

It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel

What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.

Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm

(Anonymous)

A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."

What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?

A bird who can pluck itself.

What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.

"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."

Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese

Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.

(Camryn Noell)

Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'

It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.

What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.

Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?

Answer: Peach gobbler!

Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!

Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...

What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.

I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.

Source: Wikipedia

Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.

The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.

Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?

Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.

(E.B White)

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.

Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.

If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!

Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.

Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.