Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.
The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.
The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.
The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!
Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!
(Joanna Fuchs)
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.