One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.