A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
"My Shadow"
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.
– Robert Louis Stevenson
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.