You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.