Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”