Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.