How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
"If I Were In Charge Of The World"
If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.
If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.
If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.
If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.
– Judith Viorst
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.