My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.

Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.

What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.

Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'

My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.

Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."

Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"

Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."

Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.

Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.

Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.

Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?

(Justin Worthy)

How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?

Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!

There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22

Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.

If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.

(Unknown)

This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.

A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm

(Jan Allison)

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow

In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.

If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

What is sticky and brown? A stick!

What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.

What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.

My Little Chocolate Mess

Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.

Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!

In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!

(Darlene Gifford)

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.

Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.

The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.

Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?