A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
"Messy Room"
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
– Shel Silverstein
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!