That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!

When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.

There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."

What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.

It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?

If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!

I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!

Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.

I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes

What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.

What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.

There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!

How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.

What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.

How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!

The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.

How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!

It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.

There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'

Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.

My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie

How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?

Answer: Peach gobbler!

There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.

It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.

Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.

A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.

I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.