Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.