Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."