Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.

How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?

"Halfway Down"

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.

Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!

– A. A. Milne

There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.

It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.

My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.

There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.

Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?

He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."

There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.

It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.

Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.

Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.

It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.

"Grandparents' Advice"

Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!

– Mary R. Hurley

Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.

A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!

(Unknown)

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move

How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.

I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.

"Whenever I See"

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training

How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.

It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.

You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.

What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.

The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape

Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.

- Patrick Winstanley

What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.

In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.

Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.

What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?

Have it killed and then cran-bury it.

It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.