When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.