Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.

The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.

Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.

Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!

"The Little Turtle"

There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.

He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.

He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.

– Vachel Lindsay

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.

There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you

I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.

You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.

Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.

(Kevin Nishmas)

What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.

There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.

It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.

What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!

Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.

What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?

One baked with May-flour.

It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.

Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!


Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly

(Jan Allison)

It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.

What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”

Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.

What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!

You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.

(Unknown)

A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.

If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!

Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)

After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”

Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.

Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.

Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.

What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.

(Martin Dejnicki)

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"

Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!

Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"

I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.

– Judith Viorst