Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.
If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.
If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.
If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.
All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.
(By Beryl L Edmonds)
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)