How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?