It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"
So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."
So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"
So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.