Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.