It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.