My drinking team has a bowling problem.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.