Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.