Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.