What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.
And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.
But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.