I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.