Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.
Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.
I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(By Andrew Jefferson)
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!