"The Theoretic Turtle"
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
– Amos R. Wells
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.
I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.
“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.
And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!
Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.
I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!
(Ilene Bauer)
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.