What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
"If I Were In Charge Of The World"
If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.
If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.
If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.
If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.
– Judith Viorst