There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”
(Amos Russel Wells)
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!