Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)