My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.
Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.
I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(Andrew Jefferson)
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"
Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.
Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!
Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!
I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!
– Kelly Roper
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
"A Parent’s Prayer"
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,
Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
– David Axton
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.