A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.