Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.