What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.