I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
My drinking team has a bowling problem.