World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.