There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"