A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald