Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.