There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.