I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.
The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!
Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.
As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.
So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.
But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!
- Denise Rodgers
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.