Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
"Sweet Treat Dream"
If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.
We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.
Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.
Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.
But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!
– Gillian M. Ward
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.