Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.
Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.
I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(Andrew Jefferson)
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."