Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.