When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.