Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."

Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.

What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?

A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.

Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!

What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.

It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.

Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!

Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.

I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.

Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.

Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.

Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese

Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.

(Camryn Noell)

The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.

There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.

Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!

If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.

My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.

There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.

Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!

There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.