Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.