A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
I think, therefore I’m single.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”