I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.

(Unknown)

"Simple Truths About Family"

Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.

Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.

Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.

Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.

Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.

– Kelly Roper

What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.

I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.

My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.

It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.

If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.

Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*

We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!

I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!

(Susanna Rose)

It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.

It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.

It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.

Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

(Unknown)

Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.

Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.

Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy

My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.

I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.

A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”

The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?