Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.