I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
I bet you I could stop gambling.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.