Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
You know what they say? Words.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)