Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.