Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.