The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"
Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.
The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.
Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!
Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.
My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.
Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."
– Graham Craven
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.