What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.

Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.

“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.

Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.

A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.

Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.

Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.

Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.

Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.

A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.

It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.

What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?

You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"

Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.

She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.

One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.

So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.

That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!

Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!

- Denise Rodgers

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?

Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?

Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.

Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.

Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.

"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"

I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.

– Judith Viorst

What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?

Thanksgiving breakfast.

It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”