My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert