Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.