It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...