My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"