If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.

I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.

How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.

My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!

Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.

"Dust"

The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!

– P. A. Ropess

There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."

I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!

(Jan Allison)

There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.

What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.

Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene

However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which

Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.

My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.

Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.

It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.

You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.

(Anonymous)

I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.

I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.

Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.

There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.

"I Have a Little Frog"

I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.

A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.

A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.

When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.

There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.