I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Knock knock.
Come in.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
"Five Little Acorns"
Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”
The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.
– Debbie Hill
"The Silliest Teacher in School"
Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.
We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.
The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.
“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”
– Darren Sardelli
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)