Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."