A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22