It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.

My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.

An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."

It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!

What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.

Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."

What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.

(Unknown)

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...

What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.

I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play

A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"

Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

"The Little Turtle"

There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.

He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.

He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.

– Vachel Lindsay

Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.

Constipated people don’t give a crap.

I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”

Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”

Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.

There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!

What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?

Turkey.

What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.

(Unknown)

Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.

A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"

Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson