I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?